Goodnight
by neatchick
Summary: Outside on the cool wet grass, I think about when to say how I feel


Goodnight  
  
Outside on the cool wet grass, I think about when to say how I feel. I fidget when you squeeze my hand and I shiver as I breathe in the cold night air. I am nervous but so very happy, this uncomfortable feeling gives me many questions to ask you, but when I open my mouth I stutter not just because of the cold breeze, but also of the warmth that comes off you. I can feel the silence boring you. I can sense you wanting to touch me. As I start to warm up I realize you hugging me. As I lay on you're chest listening to your heart and feeling you softly rubbing my back. All my thoughts disappear, all my questions are forgotten and the uncomfortable feeling melts away. If only I could stop time and stay here forever but I need to end this beautiful feeling, so goodnight, I can't wait tell I sleep again.  
  
Red  
  
As I cut, I bleed. The feeling of the blood rushing though my skin eases my mind. The taste of the red wine dripping down my throat sends a chill down my spine. It hasn't stop yet and I'm feeling light headed, the raging river of blood has change to a slow stream that has been cut off from rain. The memories of my friends making me laugh and making me cry. My family pulling me closer and throwing me down. The strangers that hugged me, and pushed me away, and the beginning of all this. I remember the apple I was cutting and missed and the feeling that came from it. The feeling of the emptiness leaving my body as the last drops of blood drip from my cold pale hands. They said I couldn't finish anything, and I wouldn't do anything, but this would show them. I told them I would do it and they didn't believe me, now I will show them, now they will listen to me, now they will miss me and love me and respect me, but I won't be there, when they do.  
  
My house  
  
This emptiness inside is eating me away. When I wake up all I want to do is go back to sleep. In bed nothing can happen to me, in my room nothing can hurt me, but in my house all hell will find me. This feeling is so nerve racking, not knowing if something will happen or when it will happen. I am so scared, the covers cannot protect me, the locks cannot keep the bad things out and my faith went far away with my hope and my childhood. The coldness is seeping though the cracks and surrounding me. The smell of fear is bleeding from my body and my life is escaping through the windows. I can feel it getting closer, I can sense it getting stronger and I can hear it getting meaner. The tears from my eyes are freezing to my cheeks and my breath is getting weaker. My heart is getting smaller and my body is becoming empty. If only there was one sign of help, someone that knew of my suffering, but there is none, none that could believe the truth to my lies, none that can hear my voice quiver as I talk. So I will wait all alone with no help, with no hope and with no one. I will wait under my covers, in my bed, in my room and in my hell.  
  
Done  
  
My mind is filled but the paper is empty. The pencil is sharpened but my hands are broken. My heart is full of emotions but my mouth cannot express them. I have the most passionate thoughts but no one will hear them. I'm lying in my bed looking in the mirror. And the most beautiful and deep words come to my mind but they disappear when there is a sign of paper. My mind is so full I can't remember it and heart is about to burst since no one can hear it. When I think of you, there are so many words that come to my mind. So many sentences that run through my body and so many feelings that won't go away until I try to explain them. I have written everything and now I am just repeating the feelings. It's an echo that plays over and over again in my life. There are no words that I haven't said, there are no feelings that I haven't told people. I feel so empty but yet my mind is going to explode with thoughts. I guess, I am done.  
  
My letter  
  
This is my letter. The letter you will never forget. You will hold on to this for a lifetime remembering what you did to me. This letter is to many people, but no one has hurt me as much as you have. No one has betrayed me like you have, and no one as hated me like you do. I have cried so many times because of you and I have screamed too many times because of your words. You have made me do so many things to hurt myself, and you have made me hurt others too. But you are the reason I write, you are the one that gives me pain that makes my words. You are the one that keeps me isolated, and gives me the darkness in every sentence. For that is the only good thing you have ever done for me, and for that I say, Thank you. But nothing else.  
  
My love  
  
The sweet melody that sings from your mouth and the smell of your skin when you come close to me makes my tongue wander for your taste. The words you preach and the feelings you express makes my mind feel with eagerness to get closer. Your touch has soaked into my heart and runs though my body when I think of you. The happiness you have shown me, and the tears you have wiped away fills my life with so much hope. Death is not a notion in my mind when you are near me. All I want is to know what you think. No one has ever made me think the way you make me think. No one has made me feel the way I feel when I am with you, and no one will ever get the words and love out of me again besides you.  
  
Your Poison  
  
I can feel the poison running through my skin. I can feel it destroying my mind and I can sense it getting stronger. This feeling you give me is so outstanding yet so mysterious. There is still no sign of an entity that makes me act the way I do when I am around you. I can't control you the way I do others and I can't lie to you the way I do to many, and I don't know why. I am a different person when I see you. All my beliefs change when you talk. Unreal  
  
So many words and so many sentences. There are so many meanings and misunderstandings. No one understands me, and they all confuse me. No one truly listens and no one really talks. Everyone lies and no one is true. Soon the truth will become lies and lies will never be forgotten. I'm never right and everyone is wrong. Everyone knows the truth but no one will believe it. Everyone follows but there are no real leaders. Nothing seems like it is supposed to be and no one acts like there supposed to. Everyone is so different yet they all act the same. There is no difference between dreamland and this land; they both are unreal and deceitful. What your mind imagines is what happens; yet we still think the same why. There is no truth to words but there is no lies in my letters.  
  
My ghost's  
  
The ghost in my dreams are becoming so real, they are sinking into my thoughts and I see them walking by me and chanting things in my ear. For no reason they follow me and for no reason they haunt me when I'm alone. They have hurt me and they have taken over my mind. Nothing seems to make them go away. I scream in my sleep when they don't leave and I cry when I can fill them touching my skin with their dead fingers. When they speak in my ear, I can fill their dead breath leaking into my head and strangling my mind and breaking my spine. These nightmares are so strong and so real that it goes on when I wake up. I can see their faces in the moonlight when I wake. I can hear their plan to kill me. The most gruesome deaths are what in store for me, and no one believes me. No one can see them the way I do. No one can hear what they are saying to me when it is quiet, and no one is alive. But everyone's in my dreams. Everyone's haunting my in the day, and everyone's whispering words in my mind and planning my death. But no one believes me. Because no one is everyone.  
  
Change of heart  
  
Love was not real to me. Happiness was a myth in my eyes. Pain was normally in my life and lies were my backbone. But when you came to view, you made everything I felt change. You made everything that I believed in change. You made my life so much better and so much happier. Trust was just a word people used but you have made it become so real in my mind. Love was impossible in my heart. I have promised myself that I would not give anyone a chance to hurt me. But you have sneaked behind my wall and open a door that no one has touched and you have unlocked it. You have gone the farthest in my mind then anyone in this world. You know all my secrets and you know all my weaknesses. But I trust you that you will keep them. I trust you that you will not use them against me. I trust you that you will not hurt me. I have fallen, and I don't think I can get out of it. I am in love with you. I would give my life just to be by your side and I would die to make sure you were never hurt. You have changed my life so much and you have shown me so many things and I have learned so much from you. But all I can give you is everything, including my untouched love.  
  
Why Moon?  
  
Croissant moon why must you stare so evilly at me and laugh about the lies I do not know. Why must you know what people really think and why won't you tell me? Up there, up high watching the pain be giving to me and all you do is laugh. When I need you the most you disappear and when I want to be alone you stay at my window laughing with your mean grin. I always look at you for answer but all you give me are blank stares. I watch you and talk with you every time you are near but you keep these horrible secrets from me. When I finally forgive you for you secret ness you hide behind the clouds so I am alone when all I want to do it chat. When all I want to do is tell my secrets. But you cruel moon must be so far away, so far that all you can do is watch and see our suffering. Such an unkind moon leaving my sight when I talk to you and when I pore my heart out. Why must you be so spiteful? Why can't you protect me like you did when I was young? Just be my light to get though the dark.  
  
Questions?  
  
When should a lie become a lie? When should pain become painful? When should love be lost? When is enough, enough. Is it when people are hurt or is it when we get hurt? What's the difference between hate and kill or the difference between love and lust? What's the difference between sad and alone or the difference between hell and you? Why is it so hard to find an answer to these questions? If one question was answered then all the questions will disappear. What is our purpose of being alive and living our life? That answer will satisfy my mind and soul and fulfill my heart. But no one knows the answer.  
  
Forgot  
  
I forgot to die today. Like a child waiting to answer a question and not remembering. The excitement you gave me the last few days has made death leave my mind and made love surround it. As I get home and I see the letter I wrote my family, and then I remember the kiss you gave me. But I am home now, and the thought of death enters my mind once again, as I smell the hate in my house. I hope tomorrow you will make me forget again.  
  
Pain  
  
The pain inside is getting stronger. The feeling of it growing in me is so frightening. The throbbing agony grows more each day. My breath has been getting weaker and my heart is slowing down. My screams are getting louder but my voice is disappearing. I can't stop shaking; my shivering body will not give me peace. It won't stop. No matter what I do or take, it won't go away. I want it to stop, the pain is so strong, and it is going to kill me, and it's going to take over. All I can hear is my heart jerk in my chest. I'm on the floor lying here waiting for it to end, clawing at the wood with my fingernails, waiting tell it will all stop. I can feel the pain scrapping at my heart. All I can do is lay here and wait tell it is done.  
  
The Moon  
  
When I look outside my window at the bright moon, your eyes come to my mind. The precious moon like your eyes cannot be seen through or touched. The wonderful things behind them are unknown but still sound so beautiful. Sometimes I get a glimpse of the beauty behind them, but they are usually clouded. Your lovely eyes like the moon are not alone, silver stars surround the moon and your eyes are in your beautiful body. If only I can look at them as much as I do the moon, then there would be no need for anything beautiful or for love because I would have everything I need in your eyes.  
  
Loving Hearts  
  
My heart drops and I'm in love. There are so many things that are incredible about you but only a few words to describe them. The beauties of your body as you come close to me. Your smile that makes me laugh and your eyes with such passion in them. Your touch that softly caress my skin. Your heart with such an unimaginable desire for love. Your words that have made me laugh so many times and the taste of your lips that has ran through my body. The unbelievable feeling of you next to me is indescribable. My heart floats to my throat and my body falls when you speak. As you caught me and said nothing will hurt me, my eye lids close and all I see is you. Your cheek on mine feels like a rose petal and you fingers wrapping around mine shows me a passion that only I can see when I am with you. When I am by you I am not afraid to die as long as I can watch over you and protect you as you have done for me.  
  
Walking on Clouds  
  
As a walk on clouds, I fall to the ground. I am loving life but enduring death. When I see a rainbow, you make it night. When I see the stars, you bring clouds. When I feel love, you give pain, and when I am able to do anything, you scare me away. When someone loves me, you change their mind. When I love someone, you make them die. All the happiness in the world is in my heart but you broke it along time ago.  
  
Darkness  
  
Darkness is surrounding me and my heart is full of fear. All the corners are threatening my life and the whispers are getting near. No one can hear my screams and no one can see my pain. The darkness has taken over the light and all life has disappeared from my eyes. All the monsters are coming to get me and hell is breathing down my spine. My preys will not save me now and my tears will only hurt me. I am afraid to fight, I am afraid to lose, but most of all I am afraid to die. The fear that comes from sleep is traumatized. Not knowing if some thing will hurt me or destroy me in my cold dead like slumber. Waking up each day is relieving that I didn't die in my rest but the fear of knowing I might come face to face with evil smacks me in my mind like a block of ice. There is no way of knowing if something might happen and no way of preventing it.  
  
Ashes of my memory  
  
As the ashes burn, the memory of you comes back. Like it does when I hear of you, smell you and sense you wanting to touch me. When I first met you, you seemed so good and harmless, and your charm melted into my heart. The compliments you gave me and the looks I saw on your face made me feel like some one really knew me. The knew soon grew to like and like into love. Each day when we hugged, it filled my heart with joy, and trust in every word you said, which soon turned into pain and confusion. When the reality of your lies started in my mind I could see the true you that only a few have seen, the few that have cried many times and have screamed like I want to. Love was so simple for you to say and force. The words I remember the most are the words of promises and love and of you accusing me for not stopping you. I trusted you with so many things, my mind, my time, my heart and my body. But when you were done with me they were all beaten and broken. You were able to turn my friends against me and made me blame myself. I trusted you and cared for you and loved you. But the screams from my soul and the tears from my heart will make sure I will never love again. As the ashes burn the memory of you burns with it.  
  
I'm sorry, but why should I  
  
I'm sorry for what I did. I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm sorry I screamed at you. I didn't mean for things to go so far. I'm sorry I cried. I didn't mean to say those things to you. I'm sorry I didn't listen. I don't mean to do the things I do. I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I'm sorry I keep lying to you. I'm sorry I keep saying sorry. I'm sorry, I can't stop. I didn't mean to. I'm sorry. But why can't you forgive me? Why can't you apologetic? Why can't you take back the mean things you said to me? Why is everything my felt? Why should I care? Why should I try, when you do nothing good, and everything bad. Why should I?  
  
One in to two  
  
I have sense your personality before, but in two forms. Your forcefulness and lies came from the worst, and your humor, past and problems came from the other. I can tell that you will love me and you will hurt me. There is only one quality that they did not have, your passion for love, it is so strong and powerful that every word you say is always on the edge. When I say I will never love you, you will blame everything on me because of those words.  
  
Paradise  
  
The sun floating above the water and the breeze sweeping against my face was the most unforgettable moment in my life. Nothing has been as beautiful as that has until I met you. The light blue ocean crash against the rocks and rising to the cliffs reminds me of the excitement you give me. Feeling the warm sand on my body makes me think of you holding me. The colorful sunset that sinks into the water is like your personality deep in your mind. The bright glittering sky that reflects off your eyes when we stare into the black empty field of stars. This paradise would be hell if you weren't here, but Wondering  
  
I have wondered many things about something not happening and something not existing. I wondered if the other side won the war. What would the world be like and what would happen to the loser. I have wondered if religion never existed would this discriminating place be better. I have wondered if heaven really exists, and if I will be heading that way when I die. One thought that I never tried to wonder is the thought of you not existing. It would be like love never happening. There would be no emotion that comes from your words. There would be no happiness that fills each other's heart with your touch. There will be no color that comes from your rosy cheeks and your colorful personality. I cannot imagine what life would be like without you and I do not want to. The pain that comes from the thoughts of you gone and your touch never happening is strong enough to destroy the world. But at the end of all these wonderings I remember that nothing can change the past and nothing will take your touch and your mind away from me.  
  
  
  
Anger inside  
  
The fire inside is burning my heart, and the emotions that are leaking though my mouth are destroying my life. These feelings are so abnormal in my mind and peculiar to the people around me. The words that I have been saying and thinking of, have just suddenly entered my head. The things that I want to do are unimaginable in my mind and will be unforgivable by others. The anger inside is taking over my mind and body. Causing me to do things that not even the cruelest person in the world could imagine. I don't know the reason of these thoughts besides to blame you for them. All the pain you have cause me and the words you have said to me has gather to one type of action. Nothing will make it go away and nothing can stop me from exceeding my thoughts to reality. All because of the anger you have caused me to hold inside.  
  
Your song  
  
The notes of your voice and the rhythm of your body are playing though my mind constantly. This melody is like an annoy jingle that will not disappear. Yet thinking of this and of you makes me so happy and joyful. When it seems to be my last hope you find more options. When it is dark and I want to play you bring light to my eyes. When I want to talk you will listen and when I am sad you will try everything to make me happy. You have hurt me many times though. Every time you leave me my heart empties and my tears start. When you are not near to protect me, all things seem to come out. All hell enters my life and nothing but screams are what I listen to when you are not around. But your love is so strong that it gives my strength to stay alive. Knowing that I will see you again is what keeps me sane. But sadly that is the only thing, and I know it will not last forever. There will be a day where you leave with no intension to come back, and I hope when that days comes you will take me so I can listen to your song forever.  
  
The Untouchable One  
  
You're the untouchable one, the one that can't be hurt by me but is still affected by what I do. The one I can't be near, because no one likes you. You frown upon my friends and you hate every word I say. You should be teaching me and making me wiser, but it seems like you have been shielded from the world and you know nothing of what I am going though. You say you know all, you say I am wrong yet you will not teach me right. I look up to you and I want your life but your won't let me see your life and who you really are. You are supposed to protect me but you are the one that is causing me pain. You are the one that I can't know, the one that has a permanent lock on your mind. I call you the untouchable one. They will not let me talk to you and they will not let me see you. But you are the one telling them to do that to me. I try to be nice and helpful yet you push harder. I try to get to know you and act more mature but you call me more names. You won't keep my secrets and you won't help me when you are the only one that can help. I have tried to show you the real me, you would be the first person I show but you won't listen, and you won't see. I have tried to ignore you the way you have done to me but I can't because of my need for you. They say we are supposed to fight but the hatred we have for each other is to strong for normal. So I have decide to act dead to you and I will try with all my might to disown you like you have done to me. Because isn't that what sisters are for?  
  
Remembering You  
  
I will always remember the day I first saw you. I will remember the first words you said to me. I will remember the first time we were alone together, and the things I told you. I will always remember the feeling I got we you touched me and when we would lie with each other in the dark. I could never forget the first kiss and the words I always wanted to say to you. I will never forget that you were the first one to make my feel this way. I will always remember the look you gave to me when you read my heart. I could never forget you. I will always remember your love and your words, and I hope I never forget this feeling. 


End file.
